A sentence came into my head while I was asleep. I woke up with it and nothing else. I’m not really sure what it means but it said: despite the disguise. 

That’s it. That’s all that was kept. 

I’m not sure how to understand it yet, but I’m gonna sit with it for a little bit. I’ll circle back to it if I can connect the dots. 

I spent the whole day with this weird feeling inside my chest. Borderline anxiety, except I’m not really anxious about anything I can clearly identify. 

Is this “anxiety” related to the sentence? Could it be that the disguise causes the anxiety and I’m picking it up somehow? 

Do I feel like I have to pretend that everything is ok, when it’s not? I don’t find myself pretending, though. I am sincerely at peace with my decision. I’m dreading talking to the kids. But it hasn’t been on my mind all the time. I’m trying to make connections with this unsettling feeling in the center of my chest. It’s almost as if this is someone else’s entirely. Pulling me from the inside out.

I’m gonna try to meditate tonight and see if I can make it go away. 

I have been excited about my upcoming trip this week; that’s why this is throwing me off. 

Despite the disguise could be related to masks that failed to hide the reality; or maybe feelings that are trying to be suppressed but still come to surface? What else? Maybe a problem is presented as something but it’s true nature is still the same?

Why is it always this late at night that I find the wherewithal to write about it? 

I’m going to try to fall asleep. I don’t think I’ll have answers for any of it right now.