I’m not okay. I can’t concentrate. I’m doing my tasks, living my life, but you are constantly on my mind. It’s a bit disorienting. I don’t know what to make of it. I think I had conversations with you in my sleep. I think I had you next to me in my sleep. Except, I was conscious every time. I could hear your voice in my head, and talk back without ever opening my mouth. Am I losing my mind? The worst part is knowing I’m going to write about this here and you will be radio silent. There is so much I need to get done. I am trying to get my life in order and I’m trying to give you space. But these things keep happening. I’m wondering to myself if this is my mind trying to cope with whatever the hell I am going through (which is a lot) or if there is more to this story. Our story.

How much of my hallucination was real? Are we back to this? I thought we were moving forward, but somehow we are parked with the emergency brakes on. I do see you. I do hear you. I am paying attention. More than you think. I’m simply saying that perhaps we have outlived the status quo. I don’t really understand it, so I want to reach out to you and ask: Did you feel it too? Did you hear it too? But, babe, I can’t. There is a gigantic firewall between us.

I am not afraid to tell you how I feel. I wanted to do it in private. I have a draft sitting in my files waiting to be published that talks about betrayal. I didn’t want to write about it. As a matter of fact, I don’t want to write about it, but I am basically being nudged, well, shoved so hard to do it, that I did. I didn’t finish it, though. It’s sitting there, in my dashboard, unpublished.

So, let me tie this back somehow to us. The biggest form of betrayal is not really what someone does to us, but it is what we do to ourselves. The self-sabotage, the ego, all of that crap. Since I told myself way too many times I would not let that happen again, I am here. Writing, like a fool. Writing to say that I love you.

I could have ended there.
But I want you
to be aware,
even though you already know.
The future is a no show.

If we choose to let each other go,
the silence will grow.

Will that make you happier?
If the answer is yes,
go live a life full of cheer.
I’ll peacefully steer clear.