I’m still trying to find the words to explain my life right now. This entry might be just as scrambled as my thoughts are at the moment. Last Friday we spoke to the kids. My heart broke into a million pieces, but I held my baby really tight as she cried. I heard my teenage daughter tell us we couldn’t do this to her baby sister because she is too little. That was her being protective. She too was suffering watching her cry. I knew then, she loved her to pieces. My first reaction was: doing what to whom?! But I had to make her stop talking because it wasn’t helping.

He said he was ok telling the kids himself, and I thought, “wow, ok! I appreciate that.” I tried to explain that because she is so young, we needed to ease into the topic little by little until she sort of reached the conclusion as we explained it. He agreed. The execution was military style though. Three shots. Immediate cry. WTF?? Honestly, I had to crack a joke to lighten the mood. But who the f wants to joke at that moment? Maybe it was hard for him as well. Not being critical.

Immediate anger from the kids. I just let them know I was there to talk whenever they felt like it. So my little one comes to my room. We hugged, and cried. I told her it was ok to be angry, sad and everything else. She started asking questions, I answered them to the best of my ability. Then she immediately shifted to the positives as I started to help her look at it from a different perspective. How can an 8 y/o do that? I think she was sent to me to validate my sanity. I spent so many years of my life thinking I was completely insane, because the things that happened around me made no sense. So many times I wanted to walk away.

Later at night, during dinner, the eldest says: If any of you get with someone, I will kill you. LOL That is so typical of her, though. Completely unhinged. I love her for that, but as a mom I have to train her to deal with all sorts of personalities. So, I laughed and said, “Isn’t it a little too soon to be thinking about that?” – sometimes I get so tired of having to reassure everyone the world is not ending today. It’s exhausting. 

After dinner, little one sneaks into my bed and asks to watch Pokemon. I said it was ok, and let her sleep with me.  In the morning, she says: You know, I read about this in one of The Baby-sitters Club book. One of them had a stepmom and stepdad. I don’t think I want that. – Once again, I have to reassure kids: Your dad moves out in October. I don’t think either of us is thinking about that right now. 

Sunday, he flies to Korea. Well, that’s how it has always been. So, I go to this dance festival I was voluntold to do. I dance, I head home. Everyone is sort of ok. Fast forward to this morning…

“You know, mom?”
“Yes honey?”
“Maybe I do want a stepmom or stepdad. I really want a baby sister. That would be so cool.”