As I sit here, with a heavy heart, the thoughts come and go like ocean waves during a storm. I’m having a hard time weaving them all into something coherent. Despite the struggle, I think I owe it to myself, no matter how messy this turns out to be, to close out this chapter.

It’s been raining a lot ahead of Hurricane Isaias. Although it’s a Cat2, it’s a direct hit. Mandatory evacuation for the Panhandle. I am hoping my house in SRB survives it. Since we were hit twice a couple years ago here in Tampa, we are praying rain is all we get until the season is over.

I do love the rain, though. I get a fuzzy feeling inside and just want to get under the comforter, cuddle, and…enjoy it. I also get very introspective when it rains. Add that to my upcoming birthday and I am a hot mess. It’s like everything is up for review. I guess this entire year has been this way. No more waiting around, giving everything I have only to receive scraps wrapped up with complaints. That is no longer part of the curriculum. There is no more self-abandonment, no holding on to potential, or giving people the courtesy of time, when I am here in a clusterfuck of tasks whilst grieving the fact I lost myself along the way. Happy to report I have found my way back. I have so much passion for life right now, I get antsy. But, you know, I have to be an adult and have patience, discernment and all of those big words.

Ah…patience. I always thought of myself as someone who has patience. I don’t like the word patient because it makes me think of a hospital. I grew up going to hospitals a lot. I have seen firsthand way too much and learned too much about people’s sufferings. I have also learned that suffering is not a mandatory step in the learning process. It is not what makes people worthy of anything, nor is it a sign that you have lived a good life. Enduring suffering as a badge of honor is something that will never make sense to me. This is a loooong thought and I don’t know if it will make it to this entry in its entirety. What I do know is that I have faced hardships—that is how I like to frame it. I don’t think challenges will ever stop existing, and I don’t think they should, but I feel like I can deal with them better now. For instance, right now, in the name of efficiency I am adding everything to the grieving cart that feels out of alignment. 

There is no divine timing. At least not in the way it sounds. The universe is not going to say in 6 days this will happen. There is such a thing as free will. It is all about awareness and responsiveness. Action creates momentum, and momentum generates its own favorable timing. 

At the end of the day, what tends to block our growth is usually staring at ourselves in the mirror every morning when we wake up. What we tell ourselves is the reality we are choosing to believe. If I think I will fail, there is no way in hell I will succeed. 

Hence, the concept of timing, outside of strategy, often feels like an inescapable illusion. I am giving myself a chance to be wrong, though. I am visualizing patience as a virtue, meaning I’m ok to sit with uncertainty. If it’s meant to happen, whatever it may be, it will. I’ll put in as much effort as I can (action) until I hit a dead end. That’s when I know to gracefully bow out. It hurts too much to no end, otherwise. What I feel becomes irrelevant.

I am genuinely emotionally and mentally tired. I feel like retreating to a cabin in the mountains. Hopefully with some bad weather, so that I can’t go anywhere. Maybe, then, I will be able to detach, reset, and recharge. Finally, put myself first.