I find myself in this hotel room in California in a weird state of near-perfect bliss. The bed is so comfortable, I have no task list, the sun is shining, and the pool is waiting for me.

Back in January, I set out an intention for this year. Although I am not going to share what it was, I will just say that I’m slowly working my way into achieving it. There are a lot of hoops I need to jump through, but there is momentum. 

It took a long time for me to come out of limbo. For two years I felt like I was adrift. I would wake up, do everything I needed to do on autopilot: hear all the complaints, fix things, show up, address all the lacking, be the emotional support for everyone while I was withering away. I played my roll well at an incredible cost. 

No matter how challenging life seemed to be, I managed to keep pushing myself into working on my own goals. I feel very happy I accomplished some of them. Some are still in the making. 

Now that I am experiencing a sort of awakening, a catch myself constantly second guessing things. The difference is that I catch myself. Before, I would just talk myself out of things, and sort of buy into the idea that I was not worthy of anything. There’s a lot to unpack but this is not the moment for that. 

I write to remind myself to stop doing it. Stop doing it. Stop. 

It’s really something strange to sit with. All my life I kept hearing: “Clarice, como é que você consegue? Como é que você tem coragem?” Looking back, I do believe I had a little bit of a “fuck it” kind of attitude. A I-will-deal-with-it-when-the-time-comes attitude. I just did things I wanted to do. Not in an inconsequential type of way, but in an optimistic one.

Somewhere along the way, I was slowly pushed into a corner. Consistently, ever so slightly. Like someone that needs to be tamed. Perhaps intentionally, perhaps not. The truth is that I allowed it to happen. Were there circumstances influencing decision making? Yes. However, I think the biggest factor was a sheer fear of the unknown. I am not an anxious type of person. I do not attempt to control the future. Do I like to envision possibilities? Yes, but that is not control. This topic could have its own journal entry. Maybe I will write about it later. The point is, that young girl, that young adult, never really took the unknown as scary, but rather as something exciting. I want to feel like that again. I want to take things as they come. One day at a time. No expectations. I don’t want to dwell on the “what if’s” (that was precisely what kept me trapped in a constant feeling of dead end).

What if it doesn’t work out?
What if they all resent me?
What if I am not enough?

Well…

What if it does work out?
What if they are happy for you?
What if they are all rooting for you?
What if you fall in love again?

You see, I added one extra positive to counter the negative. Maybe that’s the dialog I need to have with myself. 

One thing I do know for sure, is that the people that have stayed in my life have always loved me for who I am in my core, with the flaws and all; not someone that settles for breadcrumbs. Not someone that gives so much that ends completely empty. In that spirit, I will keep on trying to shed this old skin that no longer fits me. It never did in the first place. Why should it now?